I sit and yet no words come
I try and yet it is never enough
I yearn for those days when life made perfect sense
and my heart was full of lighter things.
Today is one of those days when I am trying to analyze this life I have been given. I know in my heart beyond words that I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes the undercurrent of my mind seems to want to pull me. I have tried to walk around and ignore it but how does one ignore a 10 ton elephant in the room? The weight seems crushing and in moments unbearable as I live day after day under the burden of it.
I know I have alot of responsiblity on me and I pray by being honest about my pains and struggles it just may help someone out there that is struggling under the same weight. I can not live another day pretending like life is fabulous even though it is by all logical explaination. I think when your a Christain and especially in a strong church setting it is easy to go through motions and pretend like nothing is broken but that would be living in a daily state of deceit and lies. It is only the Truth that sets you free and it is only when we admit our weaknesses that He is made strong.
I have felt like a hamster on a wheel for some time now running and running but never making any progress and isolated as well sometimes by my choice and sometimes by the choices of others, whom may find my strong personality a bit much to be around. Although I am not delusional and know that my flaws are many too long to list, it is this personality that has gotten me through some really dark places in life. Sadly it is this personality that has cut me off from many people around me for whatever reason I tend to "rub people the wrong way".
I am a survivor... I am a thriver... I know what God's Word says about me and I believe it. But there are hard times in all of our lives and there are crossroads that we all face. I am facing some serious decisions in my life right now and now more than ever I need His wisdom and the wisdom of wise godly counsil. I have worn myself out trying to fit in and belong where I am not welcomed and I can no longer keep up with the "Jones" or the world system especially being a Christian.
I see too many good families decieved thinking they can have the best of both worlds but Jesus was clear when He said "No one can serve two masters..." The one that truly has your heart will win out. Sadly, it is the world for many... The system is more than money and possesions. The devils only mission,which he is dedicated to with everything to the point of being banned forever to eternal damnation, is to steal,kill, and destroy.
That includes separating fathers and mothers hearts from the hearts of their children and children's hearts from their fathers and mothers. It includes dividing churches and leaders within those churches by offenses, by pride, and by politics. It includes pitting friend against friend and family member against family member. I want to look back at my life and have no regrets, no sorrow in my heart for things left undone or for things that should've been. Above all I wanna be REAL.
Thank You so very much that even in my most unlovable state that you still love me
that even though I know better and miss the mark You still guide me
that in my stubborness and bitterness Your arms still reach for me
and help me in those moments of weakness when I want to lay down and
surrender to my selfishness and when I my desires are less than what You'd want for my life.
I thank You that Your love never fails that You never give up on me even when I have given up on myself.
Change this heart and turn my eyes towards You again. Get my focus to be upon the things that
are eternal. Be my strength and help me to lay down hurt, pride, and bitterness, and put on LOVE.
You truly are my all in all, my everything, my joy, my hope, my future, my very life.
Draw me to Yourself and bring me back to my first love.
Your daughter always and forevermore