~ Sowing Seeds for the Harvest ~

Life has been awkward and quirky lately. We are all trying to settle in and are having a season of restlessness. We recently took a vacation to get back together after the fall business had set in and we were all scrambling to cling together while life was pulling us in every direction. Funny how even the best of things can do that to a family.

                                                         

So we all loaded up the mini van and away we went to the mountains. No we didn't get a miracle cure for our problems or challenges but we did get precious moments together that we can store up in our heart's treasury to pull from when we are all going through tough times. Memories that will make our hearts smile when life is zooming lemons at us.

                                                            

Before our trip I had begun to get in a rut again (my Pastor defines a rut as a grave with the ends knocked out). I was really beginning to lose heart and depression had begun to settle in.

I know for a lot of stay at home moms this is really quite common place, although taboo to talk about. Maybe it's a pride thing or maybe it's the incredible need for perfection. I am not sure. Whatever the reason the isolation and silence was killing me daily. I had lost my spark, my passion, my hunger, my light was dim and my resolve gone. 

                                                           

I thank God daily for a husband that has truly sacrificed by marrying me. His unconditional selfless love has truly at times saved my life. He sees past my walls and loves me past my stubbornness and I would be half a person without him. My kids are so resilient and strong it amazes me to see them blossom into beautiful individuals perfect not by a long shot but growing daily into who God wants them to be.

So while on our journey to get back to each other I realized that with all my buzzing around, my to do lists, my obligations I had nugged MY relationship with the Lord out of the way. No I wasn't backsliden. I still went to church and did devotions daily. But my heart had slipped away from my first love and as a result it affected every relationship in my life. I was negative and angry. Quick to judge and slow to listen to others. I had little or no compassion. Everything frustrated me. I was miserable. And you know the old sayings , "When momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy"  or "happy wife happy life". 

The funny thing about a homeschooling family is you are around each other 24/7. You know everything about one another. There is no escape lol.... Yes, that is a perk but it is also at times a thorn. We want to grow together #1 in our walk with God and #2 in our walk with one another but there are those times in each one of our lives when we shouldn't be under the same roof together, lol. There are those times you just need to get a breath. Re-evaluate. Reflect. Redirect.  

So we were able to make up lost ground and take back some valuable and desperately needed family time.

I think the biggest lessons that I learned, once again, is 1) that God's grace is much bigger than my failures and His love covers a multitude of sins. 2) I am harder on myself than others are on me. 3) That we must teach our children forgiveness by asking for it and extending it ourselves. 4) That it is never too late to start over again and that family truly is forever!!! 

Days Gone By.....

I sit and yet no words come
I try and yet it is never enough
I yearn for those days when life made perfect sense
and my heart was full of lighter things.

Today is one of those days when I am trying to analyze this life I have been given. I know in my heart beyond words that I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes the undercurrent of my mind seems to want to pull me. I have tried to walk around and ignore it but how does one ignore a 10 ton elephant in the room? The weight seems crushing and in moments unbearable as I live day after day under the burden of it.

I know I have alot of responsiblity on me and I pray by being honest about my pains and struggles it just may help someone out there that is struggling under the same weight. I can not live another day pretending like life is fabulous even though it is by all logical explaination. I think when your a Christain and especially in a strong church setting it is easy to go through motions and pretend like nothing is broken but that would be living in a daily state of deceit and lies. It is only the Truth that sets you free and it is only when we admit our weaknesses that He is made strong.

I have felt like a hamster on a wheel for some time now running and running but never making any progress and isolated as well sometimes by my choice and sometimes by the choices of others, whom may find my strong personality a bit much to be around. Although I am not delusional and know that my flaws are many too long to list, it is this personality that has gotten me through some really dark places in life. Sadly it is this personality that has cut me off from many people around me for whatever reason I tend to "rub people the wrong way".

I am a survivor... I am a thriver... I know what God's Word says about me and I believe it. But there are hard times in all of our lives and there are crossroads that we all face. I am facing some serious decisions in my life right now and now more than ever I need His wisdom and the wisdom of wise godly counsil. I have worn myself out trying to fit in and belong where I am not welcomed and I can no longer keep up with the "Jones" or the world system especially being a Christian.

I see too many good families decieved thinking they can have the best of both worlds but Jesus was clear when He said "No one can serve two masters..." The one that truly has your heart will win out. Sadly, it is the world for many... The system is more than money and possesions. The devils only mission,which he is dedicated to with everything to the point of being banned forever to eternal damnation, is to steal,kill, and destroy.

That includes separating fathers and mothers hearts from the hearts of their children and children's hearts from their fathers and mothers. It includes dividing churches and leaders within those churches by offenses, by pride, and by politics. It includes pitting friend against friend and family member against family member.  I want to look back at my life and have no regrets, no sorrow in my heart for things left undone or for things that should've been. Above all I wanna be REAL.

Father,
Thank You so very much that even in my most unlovable state that you still love me
that even though I know better and miss the mark You still guide me
that in my stubborness and bitterness Your arms still reach for me
and help me in those moments of weakness when I want to lay down and
surrender to my selfishness and when I my desires are less than what You'd want for my life.
I thank You that Your love never fails that You never give up on me even when I have given up on myself.

Change this heart and turn my eyes towards You again. Get my focus to be upon the things that
are eternal. Be my strength and help me to lay down hurt, pride, and bitterness, and put on LOVE.
You truly are my all in all, my everything, my joy, my hope, my future, my very life.
Draw me to Yourself and bring me back to my first love.
Your daughter always and forevermore

~Letting Go~

"Letting Go"
Those have to be for me anyway two of the hardest words I have uttered from my lips or thought in my heart. They have a sort of finalization to them don't they? Like a "never again" ring. For those of  you like myself who tend to cling with every fiber of being to familiarity they can be pretty scary.

I remember when I had to 'let go' of my Mamaw that was one of the hardest days of my life. She was an anchor in my life and I couldn't imagine how my life would be without her in it. I miss her enormously still but I live with the daily hope that one day we will meet again and I am flooded with countless memories of home cooked meals and endless hugs. Of summer sleepovers with He-Haw, Jiffy-pop,  and late nights with Chiller theater... I can hear her laughter fill the room sometimes and see her gentle smile that made my child's heart feel such warmth. She has taught me that love has no limits and family is everything. Even after 13 years I am still 'letting go'....

God's desire isn't that we would hold on but to "let go", to trust Him and know that when we jump He will be there arms extended to catch us.

I think that when we've had little or no control over the things that has happened in our lives especially as children or teens our tendency is to do our very best to make sure we control every detail of every day in our lives not out of a rigidness but out of fear. The fear that now that I am older I will make sure that no one can hurt me again, but I have learned in doing that sometimes it backfires. I am starting to get it that people are people there are no perfect people out there there just aren't and no matter how bad you want them to live up to your expectations they are always going to let you down at some point because of their limitations as human beings. Now I am not saying I want to be a puppet master that would be crazy but sometimes if they could just listen to me and do what I want them to do then hey the world would function right again... Right?!   Hmmmm..... wrong! One of these days, when the time is right,  I will blog about why I am so mixed up and crazy, lol. But for now I will chalk it up for my need to hold onto with every fiber in my being some since of in my brain anyway normalcy. Which is crazy because if I had all the answers then I wouldn't need Jesus and I know that I need Him today more than ever!!! That He is my Anchor and my Safety when life is good and when life is not so good. 

"Letting Go" can symbolize freedom and liberty beyond our earthly comprehension! So... I'm going to take a deep breath, exhale, and LET GO!!!!! What about you?

Oh and I aways cherish those moments when the kids get the family albums out and we look though all the photos and tell them all about their great-Mamaw! <3 

Restless Sheep....BAAAAAAAAAAA

Lately I've been so distant and discombobulated I haven't been able to focus and have wanted to curl up under my rock and be alone. It's an all too familiar feeling to me, I used to do exactly that many years ago but usually I'd take a run away from home.

I started running away from home around 14 years old. No my parents didn't beat me quite the contrary they were everything I could have asked for in parents. Looking back now I wasn't running from a horror at home but one in my heart. From the time I could remember I was dissatisfied with myself... with thoughts like I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, good enough....





Basically I didn't think deep down inside my heart that I was worth anything of value really.

I know now after being a Christian for the past 12 years it was the enemy that started on me at a very young age feeding my heart with lies and deception. I went to vbs and sunday school sometimes but it never passed from my head into my heart. My husband says the distance from heaven to hell is about 18 inches which is the measured space from ones head to their heart. I believe that to be a fact today. I lived to much of my life trapped in my mind of lies and untruths about myself that no matter what people would tell me it never pierced my heart. Being a mother now I think back to how agonizing it must have been for my mother to watch this child she had carried in her womb and nurtured so tenderly wrestle with such hatred of herself as I had. I know now that the enemy's plan was to kill me and any chance of leaving a legacy of faith behind.

I can remember those middle school years of awkwardness and never feeling that I quite belonged anywhere really. I mean I laughed and had friends but never felt like they'd miss me if I vanished. Then moving into high school was even worse, the desire to feel love and acceptance seemed to leave me paralyzed when I was around my peers so much so that I would do anything desperate to be so. To the point of self mutilation(cutting and burning myself) and self destruction. I wish I could talk to the girl I was then and tell her the wisdom I've learned these past 20 years. To hold her face in my hands and let her know how very valuable she really was, but we all know that is not possible. So something even better I get to do that with my own children and the kids that God has placed in my life. It's amazing what God does when he restores our hearts and sends us out to make a difference.

It's also amazing to me how long it takes for Truth to settle in you and take up residence. It is such a process this walk of faith that I have embarked on over a decade ago and sometimes that girl I knew myself as before comes flooding through so vividly. Yes we are suppose to cast our past off and move on but when you have been through the fire of life as I have it isn't as simple as it sounds. For those of you that have arrived I commend you,seriously no sarcasm intended, but for some of us that have survived the horrors of trama and abuse it takes time and our journey of healing is a process at times a very slow painful one. Yes I do believe with all my heart the God can do a quick work and deliver but in my case He has used the messes of my life to be a message of hope and restoration to others around me that need to hear. It would be nice to put our past in a neat little box and tuck it away so that when people look at us they don't see anything but someone that is all put together beautifully. But to be honest life doesn't work like that we are broken people living in a fallen world, that's why we needed a Savior. If we could save ourselves we wouldn't have ended up where we were/are. I know that the struggles I am having today are a direct result of the traumas I have lived through. Life is such a cycle of ups and downs and curves and slopes and hills and valleys, it's enough to make anybody run for cover somewhere- anywhere but in the midst of it all. I guess it makes me feel better to ramble and vent and type it all out because I know that somewhere out there is somebody facing the pains and the struggles that I am facing and if I can encourage you to hang on, to push through, to trust that no matter where you find yourself in this moment at this place in time that as long as you still have breath in your body you have HOPE!   

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

^{2 Corinthians 5:17} This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! ¹⁸ And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. ¹⁹ For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. ²⁰ So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!"
 

A Daughter's Heart is in Her Daddy's Hands.

 “It is a wise father who knows his own child.”

 -William Shakespeare

"A man's children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season."~ Anonymous

What can I say but "WOW!", my heart overflows as I try to type into words what my heart longs to express. To see our two beautiful daughters all dressed up tonight anticipating to spend some time with their father brought my heart such joy, words fall so short to express.

“Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.” ~Joseph Addison

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was."

I really think our culture fails to acknowledge the powerful effect that a father has on his children and how extremely vital he is in their lives. It hurts my heart to see so many without a godly father influence in their lives. I know there are circumstances beyond one's control and many times it cannot be helped and to all my single mother friends I commend you all and give you a HUGE heart hug I know how hard you ladies are working to pull it all together and lead your families I love you ladies!! <3

Fathers hold a place in their little girl's hearts that can never be filled by any earthly person! That's why it is so extremely vitally important to have time set aside for them. YOU are their world. I don't say that in the sense that they don't need mothers because let's face it we are needed too! But girl's look up to their dads to protect and provide in ways we can't. They long from a very young age to be accepted and completely loved by their daddy. You are the key to their future dads! How you treat them now will determine what kind of man they will marry some day. It will also affect how they view their Heavenly Father.

Children base their view of God on their relationship with their dad. Is he kind or hateful, loving or distant, humble or arrogant, compassionate or cold, does he accept me just as I am flaws and all or is he judgmental and constantly criticizing me and putting me down.   

I can't express enough the opportunity that fathers have right in front of them and I am not putting any father down I know there is a lot of weight and responsibility that you guys carry around daily and sometimes it seems so hard to bear but God must have thought you could handle it because he has placed you as the head of your household and the priest of your home. I don't blog this to tear you down or criticize you dads but to lift you up and encourage you to be what you were destined to be in Christ Jesus.  You have such an awesome and unique responsibility to your children, especially your daughter(s). You can influence them in ways no one else could ever. There are endless opportunities to teach, to laugh, to equip, and to love! Don't let those moments pass you by for they will never come around again. In the blink of an eye they are "all grown up" and on their own. Cherish the present moments for it is only the here and now that we are given as a guarantee.

“Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!”

Crying out!

Psalm 34:¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;he delivers them from all their troubles.
Psalm 55:¹⁷ Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
Psalm 57: ² I cry out to God Most High, to God, who vindicates me.
Psalm 84:² My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

When most people think of crying out they think of yelling and pleading their case out loud for the whole world to hear and I understand that. I've even been guilty of doing that very thing before,many times. But there is one thing we need to consider the next time we've felt wronged or mistreated or snubbed by someone at church (yes even there) or been given a bad report and are angry or even having problems at home with your husband and/or kids. Although it is OK to be upset about it; What good does it do to go before people and pour out our woes? To empty EVERYTHING out before them...

Consider this what can man do to help? Yes they can listen and even give advice both good and bad but consider something carefully... Can they fix your problem?  I am not saying it is wrong to have a friend to confide in and tell your secrets to, I have my husband. But God the Creator of the Universe and King of our hearts desires to listen to you to be your confidant. It seems so natural and easy to go before Him and ask Him for this and that and then some. But we were created for so much more than that. We God created us in His image it was to fellowship with Him, to communion and dine with Him daily. Not just rush in quickly then rush out as if we were going to some doctor's appointment or standing in line waiting for santa at the mall.

Why not just first go before the King of kings and the Lord of lords and pour out your heart before Him. Take every part of your heart to be laid out before Him exposed and vulnerable. I know that involves risk it involves being real with Him but let's face it we can't hide from Him He already knows every detail He's just waiting on us to come to Him. You see when we take that step and move towards God then we give our permission for Him to move towards us. We are yielding to Him and inviting Him into our situation to speak life, to give us an answer, to be our shoulder. Now, is there always going to be an instant answer to the things we face, is God just going to wave a magic wand and make it all disappear...  NO WAY but when we let go and stop holding on when we give it to Him and don't wallow in the mud and pull other people into the mud with us something beautiful happens.... He makes all things new. 

It may or may not look the way you think it should look but just know something deep inside your knower GOD KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING!!!  He has it under control and has a plan for exactly what is happening. TRUST HIM even when it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.