Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sept 2009 This was the begining of our homeschool journey~

When I can't sleep I typicallly journal and recently I thought about blogging but lately I can't find the time So I will jot down a few notes....

As many of our family and friends know my husband and I decided with alot of prayers,tears,and fears it was best for our family to homeschool our kids. Now I am NOT your typical mother, but the things I am most passionate about are my God and my Family! This has been an enormous process and journey for us and not one I or my husband have entered into lightly or without alot of prayer and consideration. I have jumped back and forth but know beyond a shadow of a doubt I was born for this (my husband loves to tell me almost daily). There are many things that have led us down this path and for each family whatever the choice~ it is just that your personal choice. That is the beauty, God will not force anyone to do anything, it has to be our own personal decision. I know that this is the best and the right decision for us. One that has great sacrifice and responsibility attached to it. This has been our first full week of homeschool and although it has been the best week of my life thus far it has also been one full of fear,frustration,joy,passion,destiny, and weariness but I will NOT faint and I will NOT turn back because I know in Whose I am and the One that has ordainded this since before the begining of time will see us through. I could have never imagined my life as it is today - I am truely in AWE- not of myself but of my Creator.

As a parent, I hold my children's lives in my hands (along with my spouse). My purpose is to be the "heart-shaper" of my family. My husband is the Provider and the Protector and I am the Nuturer and the Stability because lets face it ladies if somthing is off kilter with mom then the whole house is out of sync. I have the duty and reponsibility to teach,equip ,and Love my children like no one else in the world can do. I have the ability to build up or to tear down the heart of my children with one look or one word. I am beginning to realize these truths daily as I spend more time with my kids. Sometimes it is the most beautiful thing next to them being born but sadly there are those times when it stings my heart to the core and leaves me breathless. In those painful times, I take the hard lessons and use them to give God the glory and my children act in a realm of resilience and forgiveness I have never before seen(Matt.18:3). Then I can truely see His plan unfolding within our family. The way we were perfectly knitted together, the way God placed us with each other is a love story in itself ~God living,breathing,moving inside of each one of us~to be living stones of His love (1 Peter 2:4-5).
Well, there is no greater love than a man lay down his life for his friends(thank you Jesus).....or a father and mother for their children.

I think my biggest fear was thinking I could never do it that I would surely fail because some many things in my life had been messed up by my own hands. But as God delt with my heart and changed my preception that I can do this (Phil 4:13) and he has already equiped me (Heb 13:20-21) to do this I had to believe it my self and just be obedient to His prompting and call upon my life.

2 Samuel 22: 35 & Psalm 18:34 He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

What these scriptures confirm in me is that whatever I am called by God to be or to do(teach,dance,minister,write,love,honor) He will always give me the ability to follow through and do everything with His excellence pouring out through me!!

There will always be skeptics or people that offer little or no support but as long as we seek and trust God then what people think doesn't really affect what I know God says. There has been some that have supported us full force, some that eventually jumped on board and then some that will never agree but that's ok with us. We are at our GO POINT~NOW and we are LETTING GO, JUMPING OFF, and TRUSTING GOD! We are living in our destiny!

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.
~ Thomas Edison

Childhood is not preparation for adulthood - it is a part of life.

Cowardice asks the question: is it safe?
Expediency asks the question: is it politic?
Vanity asks the question: is it popular?
But conscience asks the question: is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular - but one must take it because it's right.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.


I never teach my pupils. I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn.
~ Albert Einstein

The greatest enemy of the excellent is the good.

Nobody is bored when he is trying to make something that is beautiful, or to discover something that is true.

The principle goal of education is to create men who are capable of doing new things, not simply of repeating what other generations have done.

Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.

You will not reap the fruit of individuality in your children if you clone their education.

Nobody rises to low expectations.

What we want to see is the child in pursuit of knowledge,
not knowledge in pursuit of the child.

is not
the filling
of a pail,
but the lighting
of a fire.

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.

An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't.

thoughts from 2/12/10

Many things have been weighing heavy on my heart and my mind and I am the type of person that likes to keep things to myself and not "burden" or "impose" on others (even those closest). I know that we all have our share of responsibilities to carry and then some. Lately I have been overwhelmed and at times feel like I could implode, some of you know exactly what I mean. Those of us that carry and long to nurture and protect others sometimes do it at the cost of wearing down ourselves as well as those in closest proxemity (for me~ my husband and kids). When I say wear down I mean that when you give and give and give of yourself esp. when you in a position of leadership and/or ministry then you come home empty and with nothing left to give to the people that hold the dearest and most sacred places in your heart. They get the leftovers from your day,week,or month. I feel as many women(and men) do, that I am juggling so many plates and at any minute another will be tossed onto the stack and cause the whole lot to crumble and come crashing to the ground. So what is the cure simple yet in today's fast paced life sometimes the most be still and Know that He is God:

I need to remember this Psalm (song) when I am weary,thirsty,worn out,burnt out, angry,confused, weighed down by troubles and cares,rejected,offended,rageful,depressed,haunted by my past,feeling unworthy and forgotten, under appreciated and lost, detatched and separated:

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
3 Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

4 A river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.
5 God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day, God will protect it.
6 The nations are in chaos,
and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders,
and the earth melts!
7 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel[b] is our fortress.

8 Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:
See how he brings destruction upon the world.
9 He causes wars to end throughout the earth.
He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.

10 “Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”

11 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.

May you be encouraged and strengthened you Mighty Warriors of the Faith and May God's unfailing Love wash over you refresh you and restore you daily that you may be all that He knows and created you to be!!!!!!


The Ripple Effect~ 3/25/10

Well, not sure where I wanna go with this or even what I want to say but I just need to pour out my heart to my friends right now.

Just feeling a bit overwhelmed and saddened lately- grief has a way of doing that. I think that for me anyway, and possibly for many others when there is a loss in a family it has a ripple effect in that it has a way of bringing back for a time all the other losses you have had down through the years. The recent loss of my father-in-law has brought back the loss of my nephew Caleb, and our own child Samuel,and my precious grandparents.

I have also been very heavy in my heart for some other things going on in many peoples lives very close to us as well. So I asked my husband on the way to church tonight if he's ever felt like he was trying to walk or run through life but your feet is stuck in cement?? I got a blank stare and a NO but that's how it's felt lately. Like I am trying to get things done to make things happen but I just can't make it where I want to go and get done what I want to do.

Then I am left frustrated and dissapointed and worn out. I am vunerable and feeling exposed and those of you that are close to me know that that is my greatest fear to be exposed or vunerable probably because for many many years people took advantage of that and abused that to the point that I shut EVERYBODY out, wanting no part of that. In doing that I became cold, calloused, and to a point manipulative. I was going to be sure that no one would ever have a chance to get close and to hurt me again- "get em before they get you" became my motto.

So as a result of this one ripple of life all these feelings, memories, and experiences of my life come flooding through. Like a dam has been opened all at once and I feel at times I may be swept away with the lot of it. As I pray and seek God for answers and strength He reminds me of James chapter 1:2-3

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." And I think to myself 'Lord!! consider this JOY?! how!!!?? why!!!??' But God is ever so kind ,loving, and patient when His children are hurting and crying out to Him. It's like His arms wrap around me and He rocks me the way only a kind and loving parent can do. He whispers in that still small voice "Yes" and He reminds me of the struggles we had in the begining of my marriage when this frightened child of His was scared to death to give ALL of my life to the one that He had been faithful to bring into my life to share it with.

I was feeling vunerable, afraid, and exposed.The fight or flight mode would kick in, I had absolutely no idea how to love and allow myself to be truely loved by another human being because of my past and who I was because of it- BUT GOD is and has been faithful to heal and restore my heart , my life, my marriage and even though there is a long way to go we have truely come so very far already.

He is teaching me that grief is part of life but it is how I respond to that grief that will determine the direction I go in. It is OK to feel this way... it is OK to be right where I am at right in this moment! It is OK to allow myself to be vunerable because unlike before in my life the difference is that then I had no Rock to cling to I had NO root sytem- that then I was that tumbleweed being tossed to and fro so the reaction and the tools I had to cope and to deal were so very different than the ones I have NOW.

I have a Shelter now a Strong Tower a Refuge and a Fortress an Ever Present Help in times of trouble. James 1 goes onto say,"Perseverance MUST finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I am so glad so very thankful that at the end of this thing IN Christ Jesus I lack nothing!!!

I wanted to clear my heart and my mind and possibly encourge those of you that are struggling right now if you just feel as I do you are trying so very hard to get somewhere but when you try to place one foot in front of the other they just aren't moving anywhere. Whatever your struggle whatever the battle KNOW that there is a Rock there is a Place to hide a source of strength to draw from like nothing else this world has to offer.

There are many things that will try to pull us under to drown us when the dams in our lives break free but there is ONE that will rescue you,comfort you,and give you new hope in the battle. Not take everything magically away and not change the past so it did not exsist but restore,redeem,and reconcile that which was beyond restoration, redeemption, and reconciliation.

Heavenly Father,
You are the One who created me who wove me together and know every tear I have cried. You hold me within the palm of Your mighty hand. I thank you for keeping me when I cannot seem to find my way. Thank You for taking care of the smallest details of my life. Thank You Lord that You will navigate my life through this struggle that when I feel like I moving but making no proggress that You have my life timed out in Your perfect timing. Help me to lean on You to call upon You and to run to You regardless of my present feelings. I choose today to trust You and cast away any fear or doubt that the enemy would use to choke out the hope Jesus has already given to me. I know that perservence must finish it's work in me that when complete I will lack NOTHING in You!! Take this life and use it for Your Glory. In Jesus Name ~Amen.

~Proverbs 18: 10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
~Psalm 61 :1 O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
2 From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
3 for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
4 Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!
~Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Thank You ALL for your many prayers for our family during this time. Elisha just said the other day that he knows that it is those prayers that have carried him through one of the most bitter-sweet times of his life. You mean so much to us and we love you. <3

Martha vs. Mary~ 9/8/10

Life is full of many things~
pains (some heartaches can even can take your breath away)
~Just to name a few.

For a while now I've been out of sorts and disconnected, estranged from my life as crazy as it may sound. But the one thing that has remained a constant is my God is faithful!! Today I renewed a commitment (loyalty: devotion or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship).

To fully persue Him at any cost, which now means that I must give up those things that have taken His rightful place in my heart and my life. The clutter that has crept in and choked out my passion, dreams, and fire. I mean sure it would be easy just to continue to remain stagnant and tepid. To harden my heart to the Holy Spirit relentless attempts to shake me from my slumber.

To remain lackadaisical in my Christian walk that renders me powerless and ineffective in any attempt to impact the world for my precious Savior who gave so much to see me change my sphere of influence for His glory.

You see, now that I am aware of what the problem is, I now become accountable to change what has been revealed to me. Knowing that you have a problem is the easy part but CHANGING the problem that's the hard part. I then have to avert energy and time into the uncomfortable, messy, and painful process of construction.

Allowing God the access road into the deep, hidden, and innermost places of our hearts can be very uncomfortable because even though He wants to change us for His glory (and because He loves us) we still are faced with the ugliness of our sin and it's nature in us.

Many Christians get so prideful (see Matthew 7 ) always judging everyone around them and counting out their neighbor's flaws because it's just to painful to search their own heart and allow God to do the heart surgery He desperately longs to do in each one of us if we'd only sign the consent forms.

We then are vunerable to the enemy's attacks of bitterness and unforgiveness that are dams that block the mighty gushing rivers of His healing flood from being poured in our lives.

So these past few days I have went through the painful process of seaching my heart and crying out to my God to show me where I am falling short and missing the mark.

And in His mercy and with His grace and by His unfailing love ever so softly He gently whispers, "I miss you terribly just come and rest a while with me. You have been running around back and forth doing, doing, doing that you have pushed me out and away. Just come and sit a while. you and Me."

WOW!!! I know to some of you you are like well "Duh! yea, ya gotta spend time with Him" and in my head I know what I gotta do but my heart had gotten stoney and hardened, so weighed down by the weight of obligations and responsibilities with duties and with routines of LIFE that I was missing the most important thing RELATIONSHIP!

I mean don't get me wrong I was doing good things, godly things but had gotten caught up in a "Martha lifestyle" Some of you women know what I mean. We get so busy caring for everyone and planning and making sure that things run smoothly that we grow bitter and cold because we see all the sacrifices that we are making and then we look over only to find Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus and she looks like she is not doing anything just wasting precious time that she could be using to help us. When what we because of our resentment and in anger fail to realize is that she is doing the most important thing of all growing in her RELATIONSHIP.

Luke 10:38-42- 38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" 41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Now we have to make sure things are getting done we can't just chuck it all away and not do anything for the kingdom of God, however, we need that balance of service and relationship. I had allowed the cares of this world to choke out my relationship with the only one that can and will sustain me. I had in a sense cut off my lifeline and was dying on the vine.

So I will do what I know to do~ ask for forgivness and then move on. Because God is faithful and just He will forgive, restore, and redeem.

Precious Father,
Thank You that you hear the desparate cries of your children
I have missed You and I don't want to miss out on another second of time spent with You
Take this broken life and use it to bring You glory
Restore to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me
I desire to be an empty vessel that is filled with Your unfailing love that when my life is poured out into others it affects them in a Mighty and Powerful way for You!
All my love
In Jesus Name~