Well, not sure where I wanna go with this or even what I want to say but I just need to pour out my heart to my friends right now.
Just feeling a bit overwhelmed and saddened lately- grief has a way of doing that. I think that for me anyway, and possibly for many others when there is a loss in a family it has a ripple effect in that it has a way of bringing back for a time all the other losses you have had down through the years. The recent loss of my father-in-law has brought back the loss of my nephew Caleb, and our own child Samuel,and my precious grandparents.
I have also been very heavy in my heart for some other things going on in many peoples lives very close to us as well. So I asked my husband on the way to church tonight if he's ever felt like he was trying to walk or run through life but your feet is stuck in cement?? I got a blank stare and a NO but that's how it's felt lately. Like I am trying to get things done to make things happen but I just can't make it where I want to go and get done what I want to do.
Then I am left frustrated and dissapointed and worn out. I am vunerable and feeling exposed and those of you that are close to me know that that is my greatest fear to be exposed or vunerable probably because for many many years people took advantage of that and abused that to the point that I shut EVERYBODY out, wanting no part of that. In doing that I became cold, calloused, and to a point manipulative. I was going to be sure that no one would ever have a chance to get close and to hurt me again- "get em before they get you" became my motto.
So as a result of this one ripple of life all these feelings, memories, and experiences of my life come flooding through. Like a dam has been opened all at once and I feel at times I may be swept away with the lot of it. As I pray and seek God for answers and strength He reminds me of James chapter 1:2-3
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." And I think to myself 'Lord!! consider this JOY?! how!!!?? why!!!??' But God is ever so kind ,loving, and patient when His children are hurting and crying out to Him. It's like His arms wrap around me and He rocks me the way only a kind and loving parent can do. He whispers in that still small voice "Yes" and He reminds me of the struggles we had in the begining of my marriage when this frightened child of His was scared to death to give ALL of my life to the one that He had been faithful to bring into my life to share it with.
I was feeling vunerable, afraid, and exposed.The fight or flight mode would kick in, I had absolutely no idea how to love and allow myself to be truely loved by another human being because of my past and who I was because of it- BUT GOD is and has been faithful to heal and restore my heart , my life, my marriage and even though there is a long way to go we have truely come so very far already.
He is teaching me that grief is part of life but it is how I respond to that grief that will determine the direction I go in. It is OK to feel this way... it is OK to be right where I am at right in this moment! It is OK to allow myself to be vunerable because unlike before in my life the difference is that then I had no Rock to cling to I had NO root sytem- that then I was that tumbleweed being tossed to and fro so the reaction and the tools I had to cope and to deal were so very different than the ones I have NOW.
I have a Shelter now a Strong Tower a Refuge and a Fortress an Ever Present Help in times of trouble. James 1 goes onto say,"Perseverance MUST finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I am so glad so very thankful that at the end of this thing IN Christ Jesus I lack nothing!!!
I wanted to clear my heart and my mind and possibly encourge those of you that are struggling right now if you just feel as I do you are trying so very hard to get somewhere but when you try to place one foot in front of the other they just aren't moving anywhere. Whatever your struggle whatever the battle KNOW that there is a Rock there is a Place to hide a source of strength to draw from like nothing else this world has to offer.
There are many things that will try to pull us under to drown us when the dams in our lives break free but there is ONE that will rescue you,comfort you,and give you new hope in the battle. Not take everything magically away and not change the past so it did not exsist but restore,redeem,and reconcile that which was beyond restoration, redeemption, and reconciliation.
You are the One who created me who wove me together and know every tear I have cried. You hold me within the palm of Your mighty hand. I thank you for keeping me when I cannot seem to find my way. Thank You for taking care of the smallest details of my life. Thank You Lord that You will navigate my life through this struggle that when I feel like I moving but making no proggress that You have my life timed out in Your perfect timing. Help me to lean on You to call upon You and to run to You regardless of my present feelings. I choose today to trust You and cast away any fear or doubt that the enemy would use to choke out the hope Jesus has already given to me. I know that perservence must finish it's work in me that when complete I will lack NOTHING in You!! Take this life and use it for Your Glory. In Jesus Name ~Amen.
~Proverbs 18: 10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
~Psalm 61 :1 O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
2 From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
3 for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
4 Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!
~Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Thank You ALL for your many prayers for our family during this time. Elisha just said the other day that he knows that it is those prayers that have carried him through one of the most bitter-sweet times of his life. You mean so much to us and we love you. <3